Scraping off Sense-of-Self

Again with a stiff body I sat down for meditation, for the nth time in this life.

Stiff, stiff stiff, me me me. I gradually started noticing for the first time, the sense of me is instilled in each column of the spine, in each nerve, tissue, sinew … so filled up with the sense of self, and therefore so stiff.

Will take time to scrape it down and not paint new layers on it.

BIG task ahead

*Sense of self/ me me me - not to be understood as 'selfish'  but closer to the Pali word 'anatta' or non self

My Poem

Deep blue ocean of love
spread as far as eyes can see

I need no float, no mast, no ship
Flung myself to become one with the sea

Splash I did, and hard I hit
...o waves, no tides, the sea was gone
Soiled myself in a muddy bottom of a pond

Tell me what to do

I was speaking to my sister earlier ... apart from sharing an understanding we share many things in common ... just makes it easier to share and understand each other.

So, I was talking to her about choices I made and decisions done staking material things and saving conscientiousness and moral pride. Staking everything.

We then talked about how loads of people would 'compromise' and change their moral standards when they face opposing tides. Suddenly, when faced with a difficult situation there arises an inner conflict, and people say, ''I do not know what to do''!

And then this precious thought occurred to me - only few, very few have the clarity and courage of knowing what to do in difficult situations. Obviously if you are practicing Dhamma there is no doubt that you be with the truth, and then there are no doubts about what to do ...

Very few people have clarity and moral vision in rough times, these people have the ;rare' quality of knowing what to do.
This sets them apart from others, and this very quality of knowing what to do when times are rough, goes in makings of a good leader.

I mentioned this quality relating it with being a leader to my sister since she will be managing big businesses soon after she graduates from her MBA college in India.

So, leaders that have a strong foundation in vision that comes from goodwill for others and moral virtue will be in the right, they will be trusted and be loved!

When faced with a difficult situation they would not compromise themselves, rather they will Know what to do ...

Compromisers have the attitude - Tell me what to do

Meditation requires all good qualities, you will find many times that meditation appeals you to have qualities that you read in classic tales - tales of courage and sacrifice, of true love and dignity. Meditation requires you to know your own true answers. Meditation teaches you to not be 'tell me what to do' it teaches you to look within and find answers for yourself. The yogis do say the answers lies within!

It does indeed!

Buddha Relics

Went to meditate with Tibetan Lamas visiting north London carrying with them the relics of Shakyamuni Buddha with them.

The tour is Maitreya Tour

 http://www.maitreyaproject.org/en/relic/index.html

Silence

It is possible that you could be progressing on the path and even as you make progress you have nothing to ‘teach’ others. Sometimes you need silence to weed out, and then learn more for yourself. And forget about what mistakes went by and take on new tidal waves, one after another.

Silence might also imply blankness ...

Also when you share with an intention to teach there is a certain degree of pride in it. Anyone who teaches has some pride (confidence) in them. There is confidence that come naturally with fully knowing something, and confidence that may exist of itself without even knowing. You will find that people who have confidence without knowing far outnumber people who have genuine confidence and genuine knowledge. Same goes for pleasure, we may have comprehension and impulse of pleasure without actually reaching bliss. It is like having a tube access that uplifting drugs leave you with.

Pursing fake pleasure and not knowing real from unreal our minds become so thick we cant comprehend between real and superficial pleasure, blindness so thick that we stop making progress. How will one gain the right kind of confidence that comes from true knowing?

This ignorance can be as thick as having lost the sense of direction after being under hundreds of meters in a cold, dead and dark sea where not a single ray of sunlight has reached in hundreds of years.

What sense of direction can such a mind have?

When people come out to teach others, even when they make a lot of noise/appeal, show some magic tricks and serenity, ignorance might still be running thick.

When someone goes silent and goes into the forest, the experience might still not be profound.

I dont know why I write this post?

If Times are Rough - Meditate

Benefits of meditation are proverbial. I am not going to say anything new here. Just sharing 'my' experience.

It has been a while - since I wrote on this blog. Also, been some time since I have had a 'good' meditation. By good, please understand I do not imply pleasure, but clarity. Yesterday night I tried again, to sit and meditate, mind went into its wanderings keeping it occupied with thoughts (hence away from clarity, clear 'seeing'). But some moments were clear, objective, and just with the breath, I tapped in these to discover meditative attitudes and explored deeper objectivity.

These moments of deeper understanding are like earthquakes. Leave a long lasting impact even when you go back to everyday life.

For me, it was special also for couple of other reasons. My laptop stopped working (dust in fan so was overheating and shutting down, Virus etc.) No one would tell me what the problem was or ask for insane amounts of money, one mechanic said my computer was worth 4,000 Rs and will cost 5,000 to repair. I came back home without getting it fixed and feeling very miserable as I was kept from being connected from my loved ones - I use the computer a lot for Skype.

Anyway, I meditated and had those clear moments. Weather as if celebrated this and we had a storm and then after that gifted us with beautiful crystal clear sunshine, perfect temprature, and clean air (I live in a very dusty and p[olluted city otherwise).

A mechanic came to my house and fixed the coputer for 500 Rs.

And things changed generally. Things I was feeling crazy about now seem sorted. Nothing much has changed materially, but I am relating this to meditation. Somehow meditation brings changes in your material landscape. To know it - experience it.

Love


#after the meditation last night pain in back of my neck was gone - pain from stress, I woke up early and refreshed and felt beautiful inside, kept smiling.

Ok, am going now, a friend is coming around to return some money I lent her some time back ...

Just a ...

So, what is money?

...just a thing :D

(dunnow why I am grinnin so much)

Relaxed is Strong

(Last few months traveling and moving in and out of places to live in, I lost weight and felt weak. Air has been so polluted that I even stopped doing yoga as inhaling deeper will cause more harm than help!)

There was rain and thunder last night (and earthquake tremor), since rain cleared the air this morning I grabbed the opportunity to do yoga for an hour.
Stretching, staying, I understood that relaxed is strength. There is some kind of power and balance in a relaxed body. You can increase or say access more strength if you are deeply relaxed (and actually do more work). It was also during relaxation that I discovered ‘fear’, sitting quite nicely under contracted chest. I started breathing in a stretched yoga pose and realized I was involuntarily stocking fear around the heart area. Breathing wasn’t right.

Once I discovered that I was generating an undercurrent of fear, I could work on relaxing chest muscles, breathing softly and deeply. Being aware (mindfulness meditation), and with right contemplation.

Body relaxed, I could go deeper into the postures.
I saw how yoga must have instrumental to check various things, assist mindfulness, check diseases and clear out mind blocks.

Basically the most important lesson I seemed to have learnt today during that hour was that a very relaxed mind, is a very strong mind, especially under stress.


In the metro right now :)

Visions

All of us have some sort of visions. Sometimes in form of inspiration, dreams, forms, 'sensing' ...

Sometimes these visions reflect something (quite literally from the past/future). Sometimes these are symbolic.

These co-incidences or visions might/might not come true.

I think visions may be true at a moment, and might not in the next. Some slight change may render the vision/s obsolete.

Visions, by their nature, are dynamic mirrors. Some visions actually come as warning signs.

Most meditators choose to 'ignore' visions

Insight, panya, or wisdom is deeper awareness. With greater clarity it is natural to have visions. In the beginning, it is important to just keep practicing panya and to ignore visions. Later one may be just more comfortable with visions.

Yes, truly enough, visions are real.

Single in Big City

Single in big city
lots of nitty gritty


Look on the left, and the right
Stay alert during day, watch at night

Real test of being in the city
is to enjoy the freedom, strengthen in integrity

Be humble and rich
work hard and stay calm, you beautiful witch

Secrets of Success are Old

Paths are new, ways are old,
sundry things, never really told.

For what are words, for experience,
- only glow worms in darkness dense.


Step by step, it all makes sense,
if I live past the experience.

Love, passion or the angry me,
I can hold on to it, or be free!

Sometimes I regret, sometimes I burn,
(if) deluded by these, I keep taking the wrong turn.

Given into love, trapped by hate,
wanting the heaven, opens hell’s gate.

Love can’t be panacea unless it is pure,
love impure only ‘wants’ more and more.

And what is business, dealing with tradesmen,
if you leave honesty in deep dark den.

Perhaps this is a new world, new rules apply …
~Secrets of success are old, they will never really die!




:)

Empty Talk

I was sitting in meditative reflection on the terrace, basking in the sun, it is around midday. Quite Empty of fears or desires*.

With the neem tree gently blowing in the wind and open sky above, I closed my eyes. When I reopened my eyes, the feeling of impermanence was so strong that I could sense the space around me break into tiny atoms, small globules visibly arising and passing**. Oh! Everything is Impermanent, this mind state, that mind state …

Evidently, this understanding had come without trying too hard/ without going into extremes. Over the last eleven years, I have worked enough to survive, rest of the time has gone into meditation. I switched jobs, spaced out the gap in between jobs and meditated for months/weeks before taking up a new project. Learning, earning and growing I was switching gently between duties and responsibilities and exclusive time to meditation and theoretical learning. This might change though!


Now, as I grow in meditation, I feel I am growing in my capacity to take more work/responsibilities without feeling any weight. Normally, work tires you out, however, if done with understanding and calm, work gives joy. One has to understand clearly, and experientially what is calm, what is wholesome and skilful – much like the Zen tradition. Work becomes joy.

Not good at meditation earlier, with great dedication to learn well over the last decade, meditation gained priority even over demanding daily tasks. It was much like tending to a small infant, you would leave the cooking unfinished and postpone even important, urgent tasks to care for the young crying child.

Honestly, I did not take up very responsible positions at work - I had an infant meditative mind to constantly take care of! It felt more comfortable and honest to earn much much less doing day to day freelance work, or contract projects for work. I also thought I would never outgrow this state of constant learning/giving attention to meditation, that I will always need more time to meditate and compromise on hours that I can keep aside for work. More and more I was preparing myself for simpler, contractual work (though somewhere deep down I knew I wanted to help use this deep understanding am gaining for larger purpose).
I see I was not alone, many serious meditators take up freelance, or try to keep work very light, if not completely give up work if they can afford to live like monks. (They feel it is important to give more time and effort in meditation, but some take advantage of this common understanding just to act lazy!!)

I had the same conflict, sometimes had to let go of work to look inside and learn with opportunities when they arose, to gain empirical insights. To learn how to handle subtle, not so subtle and gross sankharas* as they came up undergoing long hours of sitting practice and meditative absorption. Not only discover learning routes to overcome, but to actually walk to overcome unwholesome tendencies to the extent the opportunity and my personal capacity for insight gave way. Takes time!

For many people this is a very long phase, this initial phase of forsaking work to some extent to make time for meditation. (It is always good to learn meditation at a very young age, and grow with it!)

Learning becomes more important, and even if it is going to demand everything from you, even if it is going to take years, you have decided/resolved that you are ready to do it!

So, the infant meditative mind needed a lot of time and attention from me. And I gave way.

Now, as I sat upstairs witnessing the familiar impermanence, I decided to come downstairs to finish some pending chores I had planned for the day. As I open the door to the study room the old familiar conflict arose, drawing me towards meditation and bring attention inside, towards inner restlessness and to resolve it before 'work'. I felt habitually drawn to leave the tasks and give attention to the mind, to meditate. And then something new happens - for the first time I feel that I no longer have an infant mind! I no longer have to set aside work to meditate.

It is like my mind telling me, “Mother I am old enough now! You can please carry on with your work and I will take care of myself!”

Mind is growing stronger!

I know now, for the first time in many years, that I can work, and work better, without compromising on my meditation. Against my own expectation, I can prepare myself to take up a competent work profile and do justice to it. Even as I meditate.

A new phase has opened up for me. Beginning

*One has to be careful with such mind states, because as long as you are not a monk certain responsibilities rest on you, and such mind states can trigger something that might be of benefit for you but great inconvenience for others … or even for you such mind states might direct you towards some drastic step for which you might physically may not be prepared, even though mentally so! Also, these mind states of fearlessness and detachment are not really pure for beginning and middle level meditators (where I am situated). These mind states are also not permanent, so if you make a decision based on detachment, and then get back to old habit patterns, you may find these decision more inconvenient than you may be able to handle - so, just be careful and bite what you can chew :)

**Whether pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral, gross or subtle, every bodily/physical sensation shares the same characteristic: it arises and passes away, arises and passes away. It is this arising and passing that we have to experience through practice, not just accept as truth because Buddha said so, not just accept because intellectually it seems logical enough to us. We must experience sensation’s nature, understand its flux, and learn not to react to it.

What happens to the big gap?

In my last post I talked about 'physical' and 'mental', 'preliminary' and 'advanced'.

It seems that there is gap, difference in cognition for 'physical' and 'mental'. This gap breaks down as you work and progress in meditation ...

Mere placeholders, these terms like 'physical reality', 'mental reality' ...

These terms are mere placeholders if you break the barriers between mental and physical, between perceived and real, until then these terms are of relevance as you make your progress penetrating through the deep unconscious. It is a long journey to come around and face all good and the bad stock from the unconscious.

To show light in deep dark sea, bit by bit, piece by piece (until one has fathomed all).

It seems, I am groping in the dark on the first sq. mtr of the vast seabed, :O

What happens?

What does a householder who is meditating do?
How does 'it' work for householders??

Meditation does not take away your physical capacity to experience passion, or indulgence. The capacity remains there.

But there is a difference now. Mind knows passion as mere passion, mental states as mental states. Just more clearly. One finds or experiences reduced or next to no pleasure in indulging in desire. Withdrawal from passion comes naturally!

Articulation of passion is now more grounded, subtle and self-contained. But there is little to say about experience in general terms. Experience can vary, will take an example here ... suppose a very skilled draftsmen who had worked only as an apprentice goes back to school and learns about the theoretical aspects and different schools of thought pertaining to his art. This draftsman comes back and does the same work.

Deeper understanding only shows the way, you have to work hard, learn and redirect efforts to make difference at physical level. Another example here can be learning music, even if you know the notes by heart, to manifest these through an instrument needs practice/skill. Just 'knowing' the notes does not help!

One has to learn to use and 'implement' the spiritual understanding in daily life for it to bring about physical changes. All the 'practice' is about that! Sometimes physical changes come automatically as manifestations of spiritual growth, but this is more true for advanced stages.


To begin with, better articulation might not immediately change the physical representations/skills, not in all cases. Sometimes, it is not even necessary. Sometimes deep changes happen in the mental structure without leaving any trace as physical manifestation of a change.

#In the long run, things do change, both physical and mental.

In business: A meditator with deeper understanding goes back to work each day, will experience subtle difference in his understanding, but the physical output at work may not reflect any big change inside. Work goes on as usual. If this meditator was good and organized, or was slow and clumsy, chances are there will barely be any difference immediately at the physical level. Yes, over time things will change significantly, more in terms of decisions than skillsets.