Looks like a long time has gone by, since ever. A long roll of survival and the fight for it. It is increasingly tough the more I see the underbelly of myself, but significantly less painful. I see myself cringing at my reactions (selfish and xx) many many times during a day, all I can do is watch the sensation and be equanimous and let the storm of this disappointment pass and the cherish the wisdom it leaves behind, every time. I see I am blaming myself less, surprisingly blaming others less, there is lot of inaction. Disheartening to know how much more I have to uncover and discover. My faults and some chance incidents are cajoling my half-hearted attempts at morality to become wholesome, absolute. To watch my actions is perturbing ... meditation does not make me shock proof, rather it makes me seem more vulnerable to pitfalls ... actually it makes me more visible to acts of folly in my own eyes, and makes me sick sick sick so many times. And then the long journey of 'dhunna' to let the sensations come and pass and maintain equanimity each time the 'tension' manifests itself on the surface of the mind (and as sensation on the body). Many times I lose the battle, but it is better because previously I almost always lost it, now at least I have eyes, just need to keep myself awake!
Refresh my desire to follow morality, to stop licking *shit
*looked like ice-cream in state of delusion
I have to control my willingness to externally strike and challenge, to poke fun and all useless carefree bliss I indulge, makes me sway and I lose my gem throw it in the river
