Ready for 60-day

 This morning, while meditating and doing yoga, I was working on the breath, reflecting on yesterday's extraordinary experiences.

Yesterday, during my morning meditation and yoga session, I started with Tadasana, the standing posture then moved to a variation of pawanmuktasana series. While practicing it, I initially followed the instruction to use all my force in the slow movements, how they teach in old school pehelwani style (I agree with that style the most) . However, I realized it’s better to use a steady, calm rhythm—avoiding both too much pressure or no resistance at all. Given my current state of general weakness, this balanced approach seemed ideal.

Surprisingly, this method made my movements springy and light. When I went shopping for lotus stems later, I noticed my walk was light, my body felt aligned, and my back was straight. What really struck me was seeing my palms and feet full of blood—a good sign, considering I am anemic. It seemed the slow, steady movements had opened up the channels in my body, allowing blood to circulate freely. Part of my blood deficiency stems from stagnant channels, and this practice seemed to address that.

Today, as I sat watching my breath, I naturally moved into Vipassana. What happened was extraordinary: the sensations flowed as if I had reached the next layer, like descending into a vessel ready to receive rain. There was no effort in piercing or penetrating the process; it simply unfolded, "as it is, as it is, as it is."

The second step involved working with both the breath and sensations, going into different parts of the body to open channels and work through them. This experience gave me the confidence that I’m now ready for the 60-day Vipassana course. I sense that these instructions might be covered there as well.

Thiti: The Stillness Between Breath

 

Thiti, is the pause that exists between moments of activity—like the breath, between inhalation and exhalation. It is a space that carries immense potential, but is rarely emphasized directly in practice. This restraint is intentional, as Goenkaji, understood the danger of forcing or pretending to experience this state.

Forcing stillness, especially through willpower, can lead to artificial results. Take, for example, kumbhak—the pause in yogic breathing. When practiced naturally, it brings a profound awareness and clarity. However, if done forcefully, it dissolves the true purpose of the practice and leads to delusion rather than insight. The stillness we seek must arise on its own, like the blossoming of a flower—it cannot be rushed or coerced.

An Encounter with Stillness

Today, after a nourishing meal, I found myself sitting n doing vipassana in vajrasana. My mind was reflecting on the Dhamma. it is a habit to do this after the morning meal. There was a faint ringing in my ears, a sensation I often associate excess vata, the residue of past restlessness. My body carried the subtle tension of continuous thinking, perception, and a hint of worry—a vibration that seemed to ripple through me.

As I sat there, I realized how my life has been caught in a cycle of hurrying—from one thought to another, from one task to another. I had not allowed myself the luxury of a pause, thiti. And yet, in that moment of reflection, amidst the changing sensations, I began to sense the seed of something greater in thiti—a magnification of insight. That thiti was profoud and closest to what I was aiming for, closest to the unconditional thing beyond matter. Maybe that state arises from this thiti ... just my musings.

The Power of Truth in Our Work and Life: Aligning Purpose with Action

 It’s easy to fall into patterns where we act based on what we think others expect from us or what we fear could go wrong. But what if we took a different approach—one grounded in truth? Truth, in this case, is not just about honesty, but also about being clear on our purpose, our role, and the real needs of the situation.

Truth Over Ego: The Real Source of Power

We’ve all been there. You're in a meeting, and you find yourself thinking, "I need to say something impressive, or they’ll think I’m not pulling my weight." This kind of thinking stems from a place of ego—an underlying fear that you won’t be valued unless you stand out. But the truth of the situation often has very little to do with this noise. It’s about what the project requires and how you can contribute effectively.

When you focus on the truth of the work at hand, you stop asking, "How can I look good?" and start asking, "What does this situation need right now?" Aristotle said, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” And in this case, knowing what you’re really here to do is key. It’s not about competing; it’s about aligning your actions with the real goals.

From Fear to Purpose: A Shift in Perspective

Psychology teaches us that fear often triggers a "fight or flight" response, clouding our ability to think clearly. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) identifies this as "catastrophizing"—a tendency to imagine the worst-case scenario. Whether it’s fear of not being good enough or fear of losing your job, these fears distort your judgment and push you to act reactively.

But when you strip away those layers of anxiety and look at the situation truthfully, you start to see it for what it really is. What are you really afraid of? Is the fear based on actual facts or imagined outcomes? By focusing on what is instead of what might be, you bring yourself back to the present moment, which is where real progress happens.

"Fear runs; truth walks steady.
The mind that’s clear is always ready."

When you operate from a place of truth, fear loses its grip. Your motivation shifts from fear of failure to the purpose of contributing meaningfully. This is where the real strength lies—both in life and in work.

The Nourishing Nature of Truth: Sustainable Success

Truth has this fascinating quality—it nourishes. When you operate with truth, your mind and heart are aligned with something deeper than just the surface-level noise of competition or fear. Neuroscientists talk about the “dopamine reward system,” where short-term wins give us bursts of satisfaction. But those bursts are fleeting. What gives us lasting fulfillment is when we feel that our actions are aligned with something greater—whether that’s a sense of purpose, integrity, or connection.

Elon Musk once said, “I think it’s possible for ordinary people to choose to be extraordinary.” What makes people extraordinary isn’t that they try to impress others or win through competition; it’s that they see the bigger picture and stay true to their goals.

In the long run, staying with the truth in your work not only leads to better outcomes but also creates a sense of inner peace. It’s like building on solid ground instead of constantly trying to keep up appearances or fend off imagined threats. The work you do becomes more than just about success—it becomes a means of living out your values.

"Truth is a river that flows in peace;
It quenches the thirst that never ceased."

Conclusion: Success as a Means to Truth, Not the End

In a high-stakes environment, success often feels like the ultimate goal. But success is not an end in itself—it’s a means of understanding who we are and how we function in different situations. When you commit to operating from a place of truth—where your actions are grounded in clarity, purpose, and honesty—you not only achieve better results, but you also discover a deeper, more sustainable sense of fulfillment.

By staying connected to the truth, you rise above the temporary fears, competition, and external pressures. Your mind is not cluttered with noise, but clear, and your actions reflect that clarity. As you navigate the complexities of work, remember: truth is not just a strategy—it’s the foundation of real, meaningful success.

"Let truth be your guide, fear your release;
In every action, may you find peace."

Why I didn't marry or why it didn't happen, and my thoughts on marriage

Marriage may not happen for various reasons. Some of these may be within your control, while others may not. For instance, I was searching for someone who shared my commitment to meditation, yet I never found a match. Meditation for me was a path that led to embracing integrity. It lead me to sustainability—living without plastics, reducing needs and waste, not eating after 12 noon, giving up non-vegetarian food, and striving for truthfulness in all areas, even at work. This journey meant leaving jobs and enduring years of financial hardship.

Now, at 42, I work for Google, but I prioritized ethics and integrity over career advancement or personal gain. So, it took a lot longer to reach here. It took time to align my life fully with integrity, as I gradually learned that genuine, honest work is what truly brings lasting success. I wasn't aligned with integrity deep down and it was a constant internal war and it sapped a lot of energy, for years and decades. 

To find someone ethical and successful, applying teaching successfully in daily life was truly difficult. In my years of struggle internally and externally I lived alone, was broke, introverted, spending most of my time meditating so there was very little social interaction and means of finding someone to marry or get a proposal. 

Basically, my logic was if I don't find someone with the same thirst for truth, I won't share my time and energy. Also, I had a lot of stuff I was working through. 

Even though I end up alone, I place very high value in marriage. Find a noble friend to learn and lean on and also to raise family and live a good, happy life full of love. Uprooting desire is a long path and it is good to find space in a committed relationship. You can agree to be alone in a relationship. 

In my case I had to go through extreme difficulties of loneliness, but the path is the same, uprooting desire by watching sensations that come up. Being alone, the work just got intensified. Path is the same, more or less. 

When you are coming closer to jhanas, it is somewhat important to be 'alone'. For some people, a long vipassana course gives enough time to do that. Some need longer time. I took ten years and still just beginning to understand the periphery of first jhana, some helping factors. Ten years of relentless single minded effort. 

Working with Passion and Desire - 1

The journey of working with passion and desire is a gradual and intricate process. 

 Desire (taṇhā) and attachment (rāga) are considered sources of suffering. However, this does not mean that they can be abruptly discarded, especially for those living as laypeople in the world. The process of transcending passion is gradual, requiring deep insight, compassion, and a commitment to spiritual growth. 

 The Role of Passion in Lay Life 

In lay life, passion often serves part of the bond between partners. This bond/marriage/relationship shouldn't be seen as negative, though it could problematic when it leads to excessive attachment, possessiveness, or unskillful actions. The path does not ask laypeople to renounce passion immediately but rather to work with it skillfully. 

The process of transforming passion can be likened to the ripening of a mango. In its early stages, the mango is green, hard, and sour—much like the raw energy of passion. As it ripens under the sun, it gradually becomes soft, sweet, and fragrant. This ripening cannot be forced; it happens naturally over time. Similarly, as individuals grow, the intense grip of passion begins to soften and transform into something more refined and subtle. 

As the intense grip of passion begins to soften and transform into deeper care and love for the person. Their beauty, both inner and outer, inspires joyful appreciation and fosters wholesome attitudes within the heart. The mind naturally moves toward goodwill and genuine affection for this individual, recognizing and cherishing their true essence. This growing sense of love and appreciation then extends beyond the personal relationships too. Love changes you to be a kinder, happier and better person. 

How to work with passion to cultivate it to more mindful/refined states of love:

Acceptance and Awareness: The first step is accepting passion as a part of your human experience without denying or suppressing it. Bringing mindful awareness to your desires allows you to see them clearly and work with sensations/samvedana. Never let go of samvedana when passion arises in the mind. Keep acknowledging and working on it at the level of samvedana. 

 Gradual Transformation: Like a ripe mango is automatically released from the tree branch, so is skillful cultivation and understanding of passion eventually leads to release from it. Cultivating yourself you move from gross desire to care ... to compassion and feeling of pure detached goodwill for everyone. Individuals progress on the path, the intense grip of passion naturally loosens. 

This doesn’t happen through force or denial but through a natural process of maturing spiritually, where the mind gradually lets go of its attachments. 

 Several stories from the Buddhist tradition illustrate the journey of partners working together on the path, gradually transcending passion while supporting each other's growth: 

  The Story of King Suddhodana and Queen Maya: The Buddha's own parents, King Suddhodana and Queen Maya, shared a deep and loving relationship. Their bond was marked by mutual respect and care, and although they were both deeply connected to the worldly life, they also supported each other’s spiritual inclinations. Their love was not just physical but also spiritual, contributing to their gradual progression on the path. 

  Yasodhara and Siddhartha: Before Siddhartha became the Buddha, his relationship with Yasodhara was one of deep affection and passion. However, as they both progressed spiritually, their love transformed. Yasodhara, after Siddhartha’s renunciation, also embarked on her own spiritual journey, ultimately attaining high levels of spiritual insight. Their relationship is a testament to how passion can evolve into something much more profound and spiritually enriching. 

 The Jātaka Tales: In many Jātaka stories, the Bodhisatta (the future Buddha) and his past companions (often depicted as his future wife Yasodhara) experienced lives filled with passion and desire. Over successive lifetimes, they worked together, refining their love and mutual respect, which eventually led them to higher spiritual attainments. 

  Understanding Passion in the Context of Karma In terms of karma, the creation of wholesome karma in a relationship comes from how one engages with passion and desire. If approached with mindfulness, integrity, and compassion, passion can be worked with and together the partners supports both partners' spiritual growth. The key is in the intention behind actions and the awareness brought to the relationship. 

 Supporting Each Other's Practice: Partners who support each other’s spiritual practice create strong, positive karma. This includes encouraging meditation, ethical conduct, and the cultivation of wisdom. 

 Cultivating Loving-Kindness (Metta): By cultivating metta towards each other, partners transform passion into a more selfless and compassionate form of love, which creates a strong foundation for spiritual growth. 

 Working with Impermanence: Acknowledging the impermanent nature of passion and relationships helps both partners to let go of excessive attachment and work towards a deeper, more enduring connection that transcends the purely physical. The journey of working with passion and desire within a committed relationship is one of gradual transformation. It's about accepting the present reality of passion, working with it skillfully, and allowing it to evolve naturally into a deeper, more subtle form of love. 

This process is long and requires patience, commitment, and mutual support. Over lifetimes, as individuals continue to refine their love and understanding, they move closer to enlightenment, where passion naturally fades away, and a more profound, selfless love takes its place. This journey is not about denial but about growth, integrity, and the gradual unfolding of wisdom and compassion.

The Heart of Dana

The Heart of Dana Dana, or generosity, is a mental factor predominantly. Wise people understand that physical actions are often beyond their control, yet they maintain the purity of their minds and guard their mental volition. Whether giving freely or facing corruption and unfavorable circumstances, they keep their intentions pure. This mental clarity and purity ensure that their merit is substantial, regardless of external conditions.

Case 1: The Generous Old Lady An elderly lady known for her kindness, decided to donate her only piece of land to build a monastery. Her physical gift was substantial, but it was the purity of her intention that held the true value. "This land will serve a higher purpose, a place of peace and learning," she said with a serene smile. Her volition was driven by a selfless desire to contribute to the spiritual growth of her community. Her pure intention preceded and elevated her physical act of giving, creating immense good kamma. The monastery flourished, its foundation rooted in Her genuine compassion and right intention.

Case 2: The Poor Man’s Gift
A poorman, struggled to make ends meet but was rich in spirit. He gathered a small bundle of materials to contribute to the monastery's construction. Though his offering was modest, his intention was pure and heartfelt. "This is all I have, but I give it with all my heart," he said. The monks and villagers recognized that his act was born from pure volition, not material wealth. His right intention was the basis of his merit, demonstrating that the value of an action lies in the mental factors behind it. His simple gift, given with a pure heart, generated great kamma.

Case 3: The Wealthy Landowner Vikram, a wealthy landowner, donated a vast expanse of land to the monastery, seeking recognition and social status. His physical act of giving was grand, but his intention was superficial. Despite the material benefit, his lack of pure volition limited the merit of his deed. The monks and villagers sensed the disparity between his outward generosity and his inward motivations. His example illustrated that without right intention, even the grandest physical actions could not yield significant merit.

Case 4: The Steadfast Noble In a nearby kingdom ruled by a corrupt king, a nobleman served reluctantly. Though he had to follow the corrupt king's orders, he maintained a heart filled with right intention and moral clarity. Arjun's actions, though constrained by external circumstances, were driven by his steadfast commitment to righteousness. His right intention was the predecessor and foundation of his deeds, enabling him to accumulate great merit despite the corrupt environment. He kept his mind stainless and pure unctouched by the physical actions around him, in his heart he didn't support corruption and maintained clear view. Maintaining right intention, even when bound by a corrupt system, allowed one to rise above and remain unscathed by the surrounding immorality. His inner purity and volition shone as a beacon of hope and integrity.

Case 4 is the situation where the mental voiltion has the most challenges, those with very high confidence in dhamma and grounded in right view, right intention and right volition can meet this situation and stay established in purity. Mental factors are the predecessors and basis of actions, determining the true value of deeds. The purity of one's heart and mind is the essence of generating good kamma and living a life of genuine merit. The teachings of kamma emphasized that every action, born from pure volition, could transcend material constraints and create lasting positive effects.

Quality of effort: Sometimes gentle and sometimes strong

  

---

Sometimes it is a heads-on battle,
Facing gross instincts with quiet resolve,
Effort firm, like a river against the stone,
Uprooting weeds of doubt and desire,
Aware of sensations, leading to awareness of anicca

The enemy Mar/delusion is disguised and hidden ... and even if he is visible, you win by unwavering stance.

Hidden Mara, unseen foe,
You keep steady breath, mind on sensations,
Power of anicca begins to show.

When you work with vipassana, base instincts and defilements that caused the body to be stiff come up and begin to loose hold. Body becomes stronger and more flexible over time, breathing softer and steadier after initial tumultuous phases .. as you continue to work through. Lust that used hold us down gets replaced with beautiful quality of love and care, like in the deva world. The mind gets refined. But the struggle of rising up from the gross feelings is a long war with numerous battles with continuous rise and fall ... work through the tumultuous phases that come up to get released. Let layer after layer get uprooted. 

Base instincts, once held tight,

Loosen their grip, losing might,

Gross desires transform in light,

To love and care, pure and white.

Meditating calmly, like grass bending in the storm

To come out of mechanical practise and develop qualities of awareness and investigation ... it is a continuous practise, you have to tune into anicca sometimes by being gentle, bending like grass and surviving the storm. Tuning in the effort ...

Mind soft as morning dew nourishing the garden

As blades of grass bend safely in storm ... when strong trees get uproot and break. 

With gentle but unrelenting effort, penetrate the truth with anicca.

Death

All this drama is going to end one day

Day in day out - death

:)

Scraping off Sense-of-Self

Again with a stiff body I sat down for meditation, for the nth time in this life.

Stiff, stiff stiff, me me me. I gradually started noticing for the first time, the sense of me is instilled in each column of the spine, in each nerve, tissue, sinew … so filled up with the sense of self, and therefore so stiff.

Will take time to scrape it down and not paint new layers on it.

BIG task ahead

*Sense of self/ me me me - not to be understood as 'selfish'  but closer to the Pali word 'anatta' or non self

My Poem

Deep blue ocean of love
spread as far as eyes can see

I need no float, no mast, no ship
Flung myself to become one with the sea

Splash I did, and hard I hit
...o waves, no tides, the sea was gone
Soiled myself in a muddy bottom of a pond

Tell me what to do

I was speaking to my sister earlier ... apart from sharing an understanding we share many things in common ... just makes it easier to share and understand each other.

So, I was talking to her about choices I made and decisions done staking material things and saving conscientiousness and moral pride. Staking everything.

We then talked about how loads of people would 'compromise' and change their moral standards when they face opposing tides. Suddenly, when faced with a difficult situation there arises an inner conflict, and people say, ''I do not know what to do''!

And then this precious thought occurred to me - only few, very few have the clarity and courage of knowing what to do in difficult situations. Obviously if you are practicing Dhamma there is no doubt that you be with the truth, and then there are no doubts about what to do ...

Very few people have clarity and moral vision in rough times, these people have the ;rare' quality of knowing what to do.
This sets them apart from others, and this very quality of knowing what to do when times are rough, goes in makings of a good leader.

I mentioned this quality relating it with being a leader to my sister since she will be managing big businesses soon after she graduates from her MBA college in India.

So, leaders that have a strong foundation in vision that comes from goodwill for others and moral virtue will be in the right, they will be trusted and be loved!

When faced with a difficult situation they would not compromise themselves, rather they will Know what to do ...

Compromisers have the attitude - Tell me what to do

Meditation requires all good qualities, you will find many times that meditation appeals you to have qualities that you read in classic tales - tales of courage and sacrifice, of true love and dignity. Meditation requires you to know your own true answers. Meditation teaches you to not be 'tell me what to do' it teaches you to look within and find answers for yourself. The yogis do say the answers lies within!

It does indeed!

Buddha Relics

Went to meditate with Tibetan Lamas visiting north London carrying with them the relics of Shakyamuni Buddha with them.

The tour is Maitreya Tour

 http://www.maitreyaproject.org/en/relic/index.html

Silence

It is possible that you could be progressing on the path and even as you make progress you have nothing to ‘teach’ others. Sometimes you need silence to weed out, and then learn more for yourself. And forget about what mistakes went by and take on new tidal waves, one after another.

Silence might also imply blankness ...

Also when you share with an intention to teach there is a certain degree of pride in it. Anyone who teaches has some pride (confidence) in them. There is confidence that come naturally with fully knowing something, and confidence that may exist of itself without even knowing. You will find that people who have confidence without knowing far outnumber people who have genuine confidence and genuine knowledge. Same goes for pleasure, we may have comprehension and impulse of pleasure without actually reaching bliss. It is like having a tube access that uplifting drugs leave you with.

Pursing fake pleasure and not knowing real from unreal our minds become so thick we cant comprehend between real and superficial pleasure, blindness so thick that we stop making progress. How will one gain the right kind of confidence that comes from true knowing?

This ignorance can be as thick as having lost the sense of direction after being under hundreds of meters in a cold, dead and dark sea where not a single ray of sunlight has reached in hundreds of years.

What sense of direction can such a mind have?

When people come out to teach others, even when they make a lot of noise/appeal, show some magic tricks and serenity, ignorance might still be running thick.

When someone goes silent and goes into the forest, the experience might still not be profound.

I dont know why I write this post?

If Times are Rough - Meditate

Benefits of meditation are proverbial. I am not going to say anything new here. Just sharing 'my' experience.

It has been a while - since I wrote on this blog. Also, been some time since I have had a 'good' meditation. By good, please understand I do not imply pleasure, but clarity. Yesterday night I tried again, to sit and meditate, mind went into its wanderings keeping it occupied with thoughts (hence away from clarity, clear 'seeing'). But some moments were clear, objective, and just with the breath, I tapped in these to discover meditative attitudes and explored deeper objectivity.

These moments of deeper understanding are like earthquakes. Leave a long lasting impact even when you go back to everyday life.

For me, it was special also for couple of other reasons. My laptop stopped working (dust in fan so was overheating and shutting down, Virus etc.) No one would tell me what the problem was or ask for insane amounts of money, one mechanic said my computer was worth 4,000 Rs and will cost 5,000 to repair. I came back home without getting it fixed and feeling very miserable as I was kept from being connected from my loved ones - I use the computer a lot for Skype.

Anyway, I meditated and had those clear moments. Weather as if celebrated this and we had a storm and then after that gifted us with beautiful crystal clear sunshine, perfect temprature, and clean air (I live in a very dusty and p[olluted city otherwise).

A mechanic came to my house and fixed the coputer for 500 Rs.

And things changed generally. Things I was feeling crazy about now seem sorted. Nothing much has changed materially, but I am relating this to meditation. Somehow meditation brings changes in your material landscape. To know it - experience it.

Love


#after the meditation last night pain in back of my neck was gone - pain from stress, I woke up early and refreshed and felt beautiful inside, kept smiling.

Ok, am going now, a friend is coming around to return some money I lent her some time back ...

Just a ...

So, what is money?

...just a thing :D

(dunnow why I am grinnin so much)

Relaxed is Strong

(Last few months traveling and moving in and out of places to live in, I lost weight and felt weak. Air has been so polluted that I even stopped doing yoga as inhaling deeper will cause more harm than help!)

There was rain and thunder last night (and earthquake tremor), since rain cleared the air this morning I grabbed the opportunity to do yoga for an hour.
Stretching, staying, I understood that relaxed is strength. There is some kind of power and balance in a relaxed body. You can increase or say access more strength if you are deeply relaxed (and actually do more work). It was also during relaxation that I discovered ‘fear’, sitting quite nicely under contracted chest. I started breathing in a stretched yoga pose and realized I was involuntarily stocking fear around the heart area. Breathing wasn’t right.

Once I discovered that I was generating an undercurrent of fear, I could work on relaxing chest muscles, breathing softly and deeply. Being aware (mindfulness meditation), and with right contemplation.

Body relaxed, I could go deeper into the postures.
I saw how yoga must have instrumental to check various things, assist mindfulness, check diseases and clear out mind blocks.

Basically the most important lesson I seemed to have learnt today during that hour was that a very relaxed mind, is a very strong mind, especially under stress.


In the metro right now :)

Visions

All of us have some sort of visions. Sometimes in form of inspiration, dreams, forms, 'sensing' ...

Sometimes these visions reflect something (quite literally from the past/future). Sometimes these are symbolic.

These co-incidences or visions might/might not come true.

I think visions may be true at a moment, and might not in the next. Some slight change may render the vision/s obsolete.

Visions, by their nature, are dynamic mirrors. Some visions actually come as warning signs.

Most meditators choose to 'ignore' visions

Insight, panya, or wisdom is deeper awareness. With greater clarity it is natural to have visions. In the beginning, it is important to just keep practicing panya and to ignore visions. Later one may be just more comfortable with visions.

Yes, truly enough, visions are real.

Single in Big City

Single in big city
lots of nitty gritty


Look on the left, and the right
Stay alert during day, watch at night

Real test of being in the city
is to enjoy the freedom, strengthen in integrity

Be humble and rich
work hard and stay calm, you beautiful witch

Secrets of Success are Old

Paths are new, ways are old,
sundry things, never really told.

For what are words, for experience,
- only glow worms in darkness dense.


Step by step, it all makes sense,
if I live past the experience.

Love, passion or the angry me,
I can hold on to it, or be free!

Sometimes I regret, sometimes I burn,
(if) deluded by these, I keep taking the wrong turn.

Given into love, trapped by hate,
wanting the heaven, opens hell’s gate.

Love can’t be panacea unless it is pure,
love impure only ‘wants’ more and more.

And what is business, dealing with tradesmen,
if you leave honesty in deep dark den.

Perhaps this is a new world, new rules apply …
~Secrets of success are old, they will never really die!




:)

Empty Talk

I was sitting in meditative reflection on the terrace, basking in the sun, it is around midday. Quite Empty of fears or desires*.

With the neem tree gently blowing in the wind and open sky above, I closed my eyes. When I reopened my eyes, the feeling of impermanence was so strong that I could sense the space around me break into tiny atoms, small globules visibly arising and passing**. Oh! Everything is Impermanent, this mind state, that mind state …

Evidently, this understanding had come without trying too hard/ without going into extremes. Over the last eleven years, I have worked enough to survive, rest of the time has gone into meditation. I switched jobs, spaced out the gap in between jobs and meditated for months/weeks before taking up a new project. Learning, earning and growing I was switching gently between duties and responsibilities and exclusive time to meditation and theoretical learning. This might change though!


Now, as I grow in meditation, I feel I am growing in my capacity to take more work/responsibilities without feeling any weight. Normally, work tires you out, however, if done with understanding and calm, work gives joy. One has to understand clearly, and experientially what is calm, what is wholesome and skilful – much like the Zen tradition. Work becomes joy.

Not good at meditation earlier, with great dedication to learn well over the last decade, meditation gained priority even over demanding daily tasks. It was much like tending to a small infant, you would leave the cooking unfinished and postpone even important, urgent tasks to care for the young crying child.

Honestly, I did not take up very responsible positions at work - I had an infant meditative mind to constantly take care of! It felt more comfortable and honest to earn much much less doing day to day freelance work, or contract projects for work. I also thought I would never outgrow this state of constant learning/giving attention to meditation, that I will always need more time to meditate and compromise on hours that I can keep aside for work. More and more I was preparing myself for simpler, contractual work (though somewhere deep down I knew I wanted to help use this deep understanding am gaining for larger purpose).
I see I was not alone, many serious meditators take up freelance, or try to keep work very light, if not completely give up work if they can afford to live like monks. (They feel it is important to give more time and effort in meditation, but some take advantage of this common understanding just to act lazy!!)

I had the same conflict, sometimes had to let go of work to look inside and learn with opportunities when they arose, to gain empirical insights. To learn how to handle subtle, not so subtle and gross sankharas* as they came up undergoing long hours of sitting practice and meditative absorption. Not only discover learning routes to overcome, but to actually walk to overcome unwholesome tendencies to the extent the opportunity and my personal capacity for insight gave way. Takes time!

For many people this is a very long phase, this initial phase of forsaking work to some extent to make time for meditation. (It is always good to learn meditation at a very young age, and grow with it!)

Learning becomes more important, and even if it is going to demand everything from you, even if it is going to take years, you have decided/resolved that you are ready to do it!

So, the infant meditative mind needed a lot of time and attention from me. And I gave way.

Now, as I sat upstairs witnessing the familiar impermanence, I decided to come downstairs to finish some pending chores I had planned for the day. As I open the door to the study room the old familiar conflict arose, drawing me towards meditation and bring attention inside, towards inner restlessness and to resolve it before 'work'. I felt habitually drawn to leave the tasks and give attention to the mind, to meditate. And then something new happens - for the first time I feel that I no longer have an infant mind! I no longer have to set aside work to meditate.

It is like my mind telling me, “Mother I am old enough now! You can please carry on with your work and I will take care of myself!”

Mind is growing stronger!

I know now, for the first time in many years, that I can work, and work better, without compromising on my meditation. Against my own expectation, I can prepare myself to take up a competent work profile and do justice to it. Even as I meditate.

A new phase has opened up for me. Beginning

*One has to be careful with such mind states, because as long as you are not a monk certain responsibilities rest on you, and such mind states can trigger something that might be of benefit for you but great inconvenience for others … or even for you such mind states might direct you towards some drastic step for which you might physically may not be prepared, even though mentally so! Also, these mind states of fearlessness and detachment are not really pure for beginning and middle level meditators (where I am situated). These mind states are also not permanent, so if you make a decision based on detachment, and then get back to old habit patterns, you may find these decision more inconvenient than you may be able to handle - so, just be careful and bite what you can chew :)

**Whether pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral, gross or subtle, every bodily/physical sensation shares the same characteristic: it arises and passes away, arises and passes away. It is this arising and passing that we have to experience through practice, not just accept as truth because Buddha said so, not just accept because intellectually it seems logical enough to us. We must experience sensation’s nature, understand its flux, and learn not to react to it.