Desire (taṇhā) and attachment (rāga) are considered sources of suffering. However, this does not mean that they can be abruptly discarded, especially for those living as laypeople in the world. The process of transcending passion is gradual, requiring deep insight, compassion, and a commitment to spiritual growth.
The Role of Passion in Lay Life
In lay life, passion often serves part of the bond between partners. This bond/marriage/relationship shouldn't be seen as negative, though it could problematic when it leads to excessive attachment, possessiveness, or unskillful actions. The path does not ask laypeople to renounce passion immediately but rather to work with it skillfully.
The process of transforming passion can be likened to the ripening of a mango. In its early stages, the mango is green, hard, and sour—much like the raw energy of passion. As it ripens under the sun, it gradually becomes soft, sweet, and fragrant. This ripening cannot be forced; it happens naturally over time. Similarly, as individuals grow, the intense grip of passion begins to soften and transform into something more refined and subtle.
As the intense grip of passion begins to soften and transform into deeper care and love for the person. Their beauty, both inner and outer, inspires joyful appreciation and fosters wholesome attitudes within the heart. The mind naturally moves toward goodwill and genuine affection for this individual, recognizing and cherishing their true essence. This growing sense of love and appreciation then extends beyond the personal relationships too. Love changes you to be a kinder, happier and better person.
How to work with passion to cultivate it to more mindful/refined states of love:
Acceptance and Awareness: The first step is accepting passion as a part of your human experience without denying or suppressing it. Bringing mindful awareness to your desires allows you to see them clearly and work with sensations/samvedana. Never let go of samvedana when passion arises in the mind. Keep acknowledging and working on it at the level of samvedana.
Gradual Transformation: Like a ripe mango is automatically released from the tree branch, so is skillful cultivation and understanding of passion eventually leads to release from it. Cultivating yourself you move from gross desire to care ... to compassion and feeling of pure detached goodwill for everyone. Individuals progress on the path, the intense grip of passion naturally loosens.
This doesn’t happen through force or denial but through a natural process of maturing spiritually, where the mind gradually lets go of its attachments.
Several stories from the Buddhist tradition illustrate the journey of partners working together on the path, gradually transcending passion while supporting each other's growth:
The Story of King Suddhodana and Queen Maya: The Buddha's own parents, King Suddhodana and Queen Maya, shared a deep and loving relationship. Their bond was marked by mutual respect and care, and although they were both deeply connected to the worldly life, they also supported each other’s spiritual inclinations. Their love was not just physical but also spiritual, contributing to their gradual progression on the path.
Yasodhara and Siddhartha: Before Siddhartha became the Buddha, his relationship with Yasodhara was one of deep affection and passion. However, as they both progressed spiritually, their love transformed. Yasodhara, after Siddhartha’s renunciation, also embarked on her own spiritual journey, ultimately attaining high levels of spiritual insight. Their relationship is a testament to how passion can evolve into something much more profound and spiritually enriching.
The Jātaka Tales: In many Jātaka stories, the Bodhisatta (the future Buddha) and his past companions (often depicted as his future wife Yasodhara) experienced lives filled with passion and desire. Over successive lifetimes, they worked together, refining their love and mutual respect, which eventually led them to higher spiritual attainments.
Understanding Passion in the Context of Karma
In terms of karma, the creation of wholesome karma in a relationship comes from how one engages with passion and desire. If approached with mindfulness, integrity, and compassion, passion can be worked with and together the partners supports both partners' spiritual growth. The key is in the intention behind actions and the awareness brought to the relationship.
Supporting Each Other's Practice: Partners who support each other’s spiritual practice create strong, positive karma. This includes encouraging meditation, ethical conduct, and the cultivation of wisdom.
Cultivating Loving-Kindness (Metta): By cultivating metta towards each other, partners transform passion into a more selfless and compassionate form of love, which creates a strong foundation for spiritual growth.
Working with Impermanence: Acknowledging the impermanent nature of passion and relationships helps both partners to let go of excessive attachment and work towards a deeper, more enduring connection that transcends the purely physical.
The journey of working with passion and desire within a committed relationship is one of gradual transformation. It's about accepting the present reality of passion, working with it skillfully, and allowing it to evolve naturally into a deeper, more subtle form of love.
This process is long and requires patience, commitment, and mutual support.
Over lifetimes, as individuals continue to refine their love and understanding, they move closer to enlightenment, where passion naturally fades away, and a more profound, selfless love takes its place. This journey is not about denial but about growth, integrity, and the gradual unfolding of wisdom and compassion.
