Paths are new, ways are old,
sundry things, never really told.
For what are words, for experience,
- only glow worms in darkness dense.
Step by step, it all makes sense,
if I live past the experience.
Love, passion or the angry me,
I can hold on to it, or be free!
Sometimes I regret, sometimes I burn,
(if) deluded by these, I keep taking the wrong turn.
Given into love, trapped by hate,
wanting the heaven, opens hell’s gate.
Love can’t be panacea unless it is pure,
love impure only ‘wants’ more and more.
And what is business, dealing with tradesmen,
if you leave honesty in deep dark den.
Perhaps this is a new world, new rules apply …
~Secrets of success are old, they will never really die!
:)
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Empty Talk
I was sitting in meditative reflection on the terrace, basking in the sun, it is around midday. Quite Empty of fears or desires*.
With the neem tree gently blowing in the wind and open sky above, I closed my eyes. When I reopened my eyes, the feeling of impermanence was so strong that I could sense the space around me break into tiny atoms, small globules visibly arising and passing**. Oh! Everything is Impermanent, this mind state, that mind state …
Evidently, this understanding had come without trying too hard/ without going into extremes. Over the last eleven years, I have worked enough to survive, rest of the time has gone into meditation. I switched jobs, spaced out the gap in between jobs and meditated for months/weeks before taking up a new project. Learning, earning and growing I was switching gently between duties and responsibilities and exclusive time to meditation and theoretical learning. This might change though!
Now, as I grow in meditation, I feel I am growing in my capacity to take more work/responsibilities without feeling any weight. Normally, work tires you out, however, if done with understanding and calm, work gives joy. One has to understand clearly, and experientially what is calm, what is wholesome and skilful – much like the Zen tradition. Work becomes joy.
Not good at meditation earlier, with great dedication to learn well over the last decade, meditation gained priority even over demanding daily tasks. It was much like tending to a small infant, you would leave the cooking unfinished and postpone even important, urgent tasks to care for the young crying child.
Honestly, I did not take up very responsible positions at work - I had an infant meditative mind to constantly take care of! It felt more comfortable and honest to earn much much less doing day to day freelance work, or contract projects for work. I also thought I would never outgrow this state of constant learning/giving attention to meditation, that I will always need more time to meditate and compromise on hours that I can keep aside for work. More and more I was preparing myself for simpler, contractual work (though somewhere deep down I knew I wanted to help use this deep understanding am gaining for larger purpose).
I see I was not alone, many serious meditators take up freelance, or try to keep work very light, if not completely give up work if they can afford to live like monks. (They feel it is important to give more time and effort in meditation, but some take advantage of this common understanding just to act lazy!!)
I had the same conflict, sometimes had to let go of work to look inside and learn with opportunities when they arose, to gain empirical insights. To learn how to handle subtle, not so subtle and gross sankharas* as they came up undergoing long hours of sitting practice and meditative absorption. Not only discover learning routes to overcome, but to actually walk to overcome unwholesome tendencies to the extent the opportunity and my personal capacity for insight gave way. Takes time!
For many people this is a very long phase, this initial phase of forsaking work to some extent to make time for meditation. (It is always good to learn meditation at a very young age, and grow with it!)
Learning becomes more important, and even if it is going to demand everything from you, even if it is going to take years, you have decided/resolved that you are ready to do it!
So, the infant meditative mind needed a lot of time and attention from me. And I gave way.
Now, as I sat upstairs witnessing the familiar impermanence, I decided to come downstairs to finish some pending chores I had planned for the day. As I open the door to the study room the old familiar conflict arose, drawing me towards meditation and bring attention inside, towards inner restlessness and to resolve it before 'work'. I felt habitually drawn to leave the tasks and give attention to the mind, to meditate. And then something new happens - for the first time I feel that I no longer have an infant mind! I no longer have to set aside work to meditate.
It is like my mind telling me, “Mother I am old enough now! You can please carry on with your work and I will take care of myself!”
Mind is growing stronger!
I know now, for the first time in many years, that I can work, and work better, without compromising on my meditation. Against my own expectation, I can prepare myself to take up a competent work profile and do justice to it. Even as I meditate.
A new phase has opened up for me. Beginning
*One has to be careful with such mind states, because as long as you are not a monk certain responsibilities rest on you, and such mind states can trigger something that might be of benefit for you but great inconvenience for others … or even for you such mind states might direct you towards some drastic step for which you might physically may not be prepared, even though mentally so! Also, these mind states of fearlessness and detachment are not really pure for beginning and middle level meditators (where I am situated). These mind states are also not permanent, so if you make a decision based on detachment, and then get back to old habit patterns, you may find these decision more inconvenient than you may be able to handle - so, just be careful and bite what you can chew :)
**Whether pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral, gross or subtle, every bodily/physical sensation shares the same characteristic: it arises and passes away, arises and passes away. It is this arising and passing that we have to experience through practice, not just accept as truth because Buddha said so, not just accept because intellectually it seems logical enough to us. We must experience sensation’s nature, understand its flux, and learn not to react to it.
With the neem tree gently blowing in the wind and open sky above, I closed my eyes. When I reopened my eyes, the feeling of impermanence was so strong that I could sense the space around me break into tiny atoms, small globules visibly arising and passing**. Oh! Everything is Impermanent, this mind state, that mind state …
Evidently, this understanding had come without trying too hard/ without going into extremes. Over the last eleven years, I have worked enough to survive, rest of the time has gone into meditation. I switched jobs, spaced out the gap in between jobs and meditated for months/weeks before taking up a new project. Learning, earning and growing I was switching gently between duties and responsibilities and exclusive time to meditation and theoretical learning. This might change though!
Now, as I grow in meditation, I feel I am growing in my capacity to take more work/responsibilities without feeling any weight. Normally, work tires you out, however, if done with understanding and calm, work gives joy. One has to understand clearly, and experientially what is calm, what is wholesome and skilful – much like the Zen tradition. Work becomes joy.
Not good at meditation earlier, with great dedication to learn well over the last decade, meditation gained priority even over demanding daily tasks. It was much like tending to a small infant, you would leave the cooking unfinished and postpone even important, urgent tasks to care for the young crying child.
Honestly, I did not take up very responsible positions at work - I had an infant meditative mind to constantly take care of! It felt more comfortable and honest to earn much much less doing day to day freelance work, or contract projects for work. I also thought I would never outgrow this state of constant learning/giving attention to meditation, that I will always need more time to meditate and compromise on hours that I can keep aside for work. More and more I was preparing myself for simpler, contractual work (though somewhere deep down I knew I wanted to help use this deep understanding am gaining for larger purpose).
I see I was not alone, many serious meditators take up freelance, or try to keep work very light, if not completely give up work if they can afford to live like monks. (They feel it is important to give more time and effort in meditation, but some take advantage of this common understanding just to act lazy!!)
I had the same conflict, sometimes had to let go of work to look inside and learn with opportunities when they arose, to gain empirical insights. To learn how to handle subtle, not so subtle and gross sankharas* as they came up undergoing long hours of sitting practice and meditative absorption. Not only discover learning routes to overcome, but to actually walk to overcome unwholesome tendencies to the extent the opportunity and my personal capacity for insight gave way. Takes time!
For many people this is a very long phase, this initial phase of forsaking work to some extent to make time for meditation. (It is always good to learn meditation at a very young age, and grow with it!)
Learning becomes more important, and even if it is going to demand everything from you, even if it is going to take years, you have decided/resolved that you are ready to do it!
So, the infant meditative mind needed a lot of time and attention from me. And I gave way.
Now, as I sat upstairs witnessing the familiar impermanence, I decided to come downstairs to finish some pending chores I had planned for the day. As I open the door to the study room the old familiar conflict arose, drawing me towards meditation and bring attention inside, towards inner restlessness and to resolve it before 'work'. I felt habitually drawn to leave the tasks and give attention to the mind, to meditate. And then something new happens - for the first time I feel that I no longer have an infant mind! I no longer have to set aside work to meditate.
It is like my mind telling me, “Mother I am old enough now! You can please carry on with your work and I will take care of myself!”
Mind is growing stronger!
I know now, for the first time in many years, that I can work, and work better, without compromising on my meditation. Against my own expectation, I can prepare myself to take up a competent work profile and do justice to it. Even as I meditate.
A new phase has opened up for me. Beginning
*One has to be careful with such mind states, because as long as you are not a monk certain responsibilities rest on you, and such mind states can trigger something that might be of benefit for you but great inconvenience for others … or even for you such mind states might direct you towards some drastic step for which you might physically may not be prepared, even though mentally so! Also, these mind states of fearlessness and detachment are not really pure for beginning and middle level meditators (where I am situated). These mind states are also not permanent, so if you make a decision based on detachment, and then get back to old habit patterns, you may find these decision more inconvenient than you may be able to handle - so, just be careful and bite what you can chew :)
**Whether pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral, gross or subtle, every bodily/physical sensation shares the same characteristic: it arises and passes away, arises and passes away. It is this arising and passing that we have to experience through practice, not just accept as truth because Buddha said so, not just accept because intellectually it seems logical enough to us. We must experience sensation’s nature, understand its flux, and learn not to react to it.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
What happens to the big gap?
In my last post I talked about 'physical' and 'mental', 'preliminary' and 'advanced'.
It seems that there is gap, difference in cognition for 'physical' and 'mental'. This gap breaks down as you work and progress in meditation ...
Mere placeholders, these terms like 'physical reality', 'mental reality' ...
These terms are mere placeholders if you break the barriers between mental and physical, between perceived and real, until then these terms are of relevance as you make your progress penetrating through the deep unconscious. It is a long journey to come around and face all good and the bad stock from the unconscious.
To show light in deep dark sea, bit by bit, piece by piece (until one has fathomed all).
It seems, I am groping in the dark on the first sq. mtr of the vast seabed, :O
It seems that there is gap, difference in cognition for 'physical' and 'mental'. This gap breaks down as you work and progress in meditation ...
Mere placeholders, these terms like 'physical reality', 'mental reality' ...
These terms are mere placeholders if you break the barriers between mental and physical, between perceived and real, until then these terms are of relevance as you make your progress penetrating through the deep unconscious. It is a long journey to come around and face all good and the bad stock from the unconscious.
To show light in deep dark sea, bit by bit, piece by piece (until one has fathomed all).
It seems, I am groping in the dark on the first sq. mtr of the vast seabed, :O
What happens?
What does a householder who is meditating do?
How does 'it' work for householders??
Meditation does not take away your physical capacity to experience passion, or indulgence. The capacity remains there.
But there is a difference now. Mind knows passion as mere passion, mental states as mental states. Just more clearly. One finds or experiences reduced or next to no pleasure in indulging in desire. Withdrawal from passion comes naturally!
Articulation of passion is now more grounded, subtle and self-contained. But there is little to say about experience in general terms. Experience can vary, will take an example here ... suppose a very skilled draftsmen who had worked only as an apprentice goes back to school and learns about the theoretical aspects and different schools of thought pertaining to his art. This draftsman comes back and does the same work.
Deeper understanding only shows the way, you have to work hard, learn and redirect efforts to make difference at physical level. Another example here can be learning music, even if you know the notes by heart, to manifest these through an instrument needs practice/skill. Just 'knowing' the notes does not help!
One has to learn to use and 'implement' the spiritual understanding in daily life for it to bring about physical changes. All the 'practice' is about that! Sometimes physical changes come automatically as manifestations of spiritual growth, but this is more true for advanced stages.
To begin with, better articulation might not immediately change the physical representations/skills, not in all cases. Sometimes, it is not even necessary. Sometimes deep changes happen in the mental structure without leaving any trace as physical manifestation of a change.
#In the long run, things do change, both physical and mental.
In business: A meditator with deeper understanding goes back to work each day, will experience subtle difference in his understanding, but the physical output at work may not reflect any big change inside. Work goes on as usual. If this meditator was good and organized, or was slow and clumsy, chances are there will barely be any difference immediately at the physical level. Yes, over time things will change significantly, more in terms of decisions than skillsets.
How does 'it' work for householders??
Meditation does not take away your physical capacity to experience passion, or indulgence. The capacity remains there.
But there is a difference now. Mind knows passion as mere passion, mental states as mental states. Just more clearly. One finds or experiences reduced or next to no pleasure in indulging in desire. Withdrawal from passion comes naturally!
Articulation of passion is now more grounded, subtle and self-contained. But there is little to say about experience in general terms. Experience can vary, will take an example here ... suppose a very skilled draftsmen who had worked only as an apprentice goes back to school and learns about the theoretical aspects and different schools of thought pertaining to his art. This draftsman comes back and does the same work.
Deeper understanding only shows the way, you have to work hard, learn and redirect efforts to make difference at physical level. Another example here can be learning music, even if you know the notes by heart, to manifest these through an instrument needs practice/skill. Just 'knowing' the notes does not help!
One has to learn to use and 'implement' the spiritual understanding in daily life for it to bring about physical changes. All the 'practice' is about that! Sometimes physical changes come automatically as manifestations of spiritual growth, but this is more true for advanced stages.
To begin with, better articulation might not immediately change the physical representations/skills, not in all cases. Sometimes, it is not even necessary. Sometimes deep changes happen in the mental structure without leaving any trace as physical manifestation of a change.
#In the long run, things do change, both physical and mental.
In business: A meditator with deeper understanding goes back to work each day, will experience subtle difference in his understanding, but the physical output at work may not reflect any big change inside. Work goes on as usual. If this meditator was good and organized, or was slow and clumsy, chances are there will barely be any difference immediately at the physical level. Yes, over time things will change significantly, more in terms of decisions than skillsets.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Calm = Sleepless
Fifth night I spent under the Bodhi tree meditating.
Usually they charge extra if you want to stay back at night to meditate under the tree, yesterday the temple monk gave permit without me having to pay - a gift!
I was alone this time, Olga in the hotel room tonight. Initially the sitting was very uncomfortable and I kept fidgeting, mosquitoes and general discomfort and I had to keep changing posture. I sat at 9 pm and opened my eyes at 12 pm to discover they had lighted one big light and the place was covered in mist. Closed my eyes and continued, wondering why am uncomfortable today (it still did not register it is getting quite cold).
I got up and left the shawl on the seat and walked around the temple, felt better, but as soon as I sat down I met agitation, picked my phone and found the metal part unusually cold. Hmm :)
Regardless, I kept meditating watching the discomfort of the body with calm in my mind. Soon mist began to condense into big drops, making everything wet. Like the Bodhi tree was dropping tears of karuna and metta. Open my eyes again to find monks walking around the tree unaffected by the cold and drew inspiration to continue(some Thai monks take up the practice of never lying down), another Thai laywoman sitting motionless in a white cotton saree. Sometimes, all you need to finish a task is guts!
Seeing the Thai woman, I was almost ashamed of my warm comfortable clothes. Continued my work calmly. In the morning I felt something opened eyes again to find the concerned watchman there taking stock if all meditators were alright after the sudden turn of weather. My face came out of the hood of my jacket smiling, he was relieved. He asked me why didnt I use a mosquito net - "Dont need it", I smiled and reply.
It was a tough night for all of us, evoked a sense of mutual love and support as all meditators worked together in silence for the whole night ... and the morning was most beautiful ever. A monk stopped and gifted me a Bodhi leaf from the tree in the morning.
I could easily pass a few days with very little sleep, and have never felt better.
When the mind is that calm, you need next to no sleep.
As you progress in meditation, you can forget about 'strong' experiences, welcome to the sphere of the subtle :)
Usually they charge extra if you want to stay back at night to meditate under the tree, yesterday the temple monk gave permit without me having to pay - a gift!
I was alone this time, Olga in the hotel room tonight. Initially the sitting was very uncomfortable and I kept fidgeting, mosquitoes and general discomfort and I had to keep changing posture. I sat at 9 pm and opened my eyes at 12 pm to discover they had lighted one big light and the place was covered in mist. Closed my eyes and continued, wondering why am uncomfortable today (it still did not register it is getting quite cold).
I got up and left the shawl on the seat and walked around the temple, felt better, but as soon as I sat down I met agitation, picked my phone and found the metal part unusually cold. Hmm :)
Regardless, I kept meditating watching the discomfort of the body with calm in my mind. Soon mist began to condense into big drops, making everything wet. Like the Bodhi tree was dropping tears of karuna and metta. Open my eyes again to find monks walking around the tree unaffected by the cold and drew inspiration to continue(some Thai monks take up the practice of never lying down), another Thai laywoman sitting motionless in a white cotton saree. Sometimes, all you need to finish a task is guts!
Seeing the Thai woman, I was almost ashamed of my warm comfortable clothes. Continued my work calmly. In the morning I felt something opened eyes again to find the concerned watchman there taking stock if all meditators were alright after the sudden turn of weather. My face came out of the hood of my jacket smiling, he was relieved. He asked me why didnt I use a mosquito net - "Dont need it", I smiled and reply.
It was a tough night for all of us, evoked a sense of mutual love and support as all meditators worked together in silence for the whole night ... and the morning was most beautiful ever. A monk stopped and gifted me a Bodhi leaf from the tree in the morning.
I could easily pass a few days with very little sleep, and have never felt better.
When the mind is that calm, you need next to no sleep.
As you progress in meditation, you can forget about 'strong' experiences, welcome to the sphere of the subtle :)
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Difference
Olga and me both are reaping good fruits.
Both of us walk back after a night of meditation and wake after some rest between 8-10 am. Its amazing we walk or meditate near the Bodhi Tree through the day and are becoming better at staying calm and restful.
Yesterday, it became quite clear to me that it will not be difficult for me to be a monk. I will find it easier and more sense to live the life of a monk.
My gender stops me. At least brings in genuine concerns.
Both of us walk back after a night of meditation and wake after some rest between 8-10 am. Its amazing we walk or meditate near the Bodhi Tree through the day and are becoming better at staying calm and restful.
Yesterday, it became quite clear to me that it will not be difficult for me to be a monk. I will find it easier and more sense to live the life of a monk.
My gender stops me. At least brings in genuine concerns.
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